Epistolary Exposition: Introduction

Dear M—,

Kumusta? 

Huling 1-on-1 moment natin ay yung kababalik ko lang sa Mumbai noong 2016, tumaba dahil sa stress at kaakibat na katotohanang lahat ng pambayad ko sa ibang bayan ay via credit card, kasi lahat ng 500 at 1,000 rupees na hawak ko ay naideklarang worthless ni Modi. Wala akong kapasidad i-withdraw ang sumunod nitong paper bill: ang 2,000 rupees. Pagod na pagod rin ako sa pagtuturo ng simpleng proseso pero mahirap na konsepto ng NAV Operations, at kahit kanino yatang hindi accountant ng bangko ay mahihirapan akong ipaliwanag ito. Ganun yata talaga, may mga bagay na mahirap ring ipaliwanag sa kakaunting saglit at bilang ng mga salita. Ganun yata talaga kapag tagapagtuos. Pitong taon na, M. Nasabi ko rin sa iyo na gusto ko nang tumanda sa pagsusulat at talikdan ang nabuong pagkatao sa natapos nating kurso. Nasabi ko sa iyo noon, na kapag manager na ako, saka ko ito ulit iisipin. 

Ito na yun. 

After a year of being a manager repackaged as an Associate, narito na naman ako at susubok na patayin ang unang pagkatao: ang pagiging CPA. Sakto, malapit na mag-expire ang lisensya at PRC ID ko, at hindi naman nag-practice ng audit sa loob ng sampung taon, at saktong nasa estado ako ng trabahong lahat ay kaya kong hamigin at panindigan. Yun lang, hindi na ako bingi at bulag kapag ako ay nababalya at inaasahan bilang dalawang tao in terms of work load. Baka ito na nga ang taon para gisingin muli ang kislap ng panulat. Ang ikalawang pagkatao na nagsusulat ng karanasan, at maisapubliko ang aking boses na may halong laya at kalkulado. Hiling ko ang mga sumusunod:

1. Maaari ba kitang gawing recipient nitong aking mga liham? Balak kong buuin at bunuin ang sampung liham sa loob ng lampas sampung taon ng pagba-boxing ng aking damdamin, ng aking hinaing, at mga silip ng ating pakikipag-usap sa sariling punto-de-bista? Tandaan, ang pangalan mo ma'y totoo, pero ang copyright ay sa akin nang buong-buo. 

2. Hahalungkatin ang aking alaala mula sa ating nawawalang notebook, at gumawa ng mga kwentong napapanahon, kahit nilipas na ito ng mga taon. All-encompassing but retrospective application. Pero ano pa bang alam natin sa accounting practices kung pareho na tayong hindi praktisado? 

3. Kung ang pagkatao mo ay biglang nanalamin sa ibang tao (sa anumang paraan ng pagkakabuo), nawa'y ibigay mo ang kalayaan sa aking kamay na maisulat ka bilang musa at bilang kontrabida. Kung mamarapatin, ibabaldado ko ang napakakisig mong alisto at tatapyas ng gilas sa iyong pagkatao. In short, your demeanor will be cut short. Who will be the main character? This is what I have to explore. This is why I ask for your concurrence in my long letter. 

Ito na siguro ang introduction ng aking epistolary exposition. So, ano na? 

written in Sarah's after RT's Book Talakayan, 02 March 2024

Gising Kahit Lasing

written in Sarah's, 02 March 2023; hauled from PRPB Trivial matters group chat, for posterity and record-keeping. 

Dear M–

Dear M–, 

Passing thought talaga ang sulatan ka sa mga pagkakataong gusto kong ibaybay ang mga naiisip sa daan, o sa mga pagkakataong nakakapagnilay ako sa paglalakbay. Ganitong-ganito rin ang aking ginagawa sa ating shared notebook, na pumayag ka rin naman kasi: 1. Alam mong crush kita at masaya nga naman ang undivided attention, at 2. Nahihiya kang talikuran ang potential na bunga ng pagkakaibigan sa panulat. Scratch that, alam kong hindi mo lang alam paano ako tatanggihan kasi bibihirang pagkakataon na ang bigyan ka ng liham, lalo na ngayong tadtad na tayo ng memes sa social media. 

Btw, belated happy birthday ulit. At oo, nawawala pa rin ang ating artifact na mga notebook. 

Nabanggit ko na nga pala sa iyo na hindi na sa Makating naging Taguig (na naniniwalang magiging Makati muli) ang aking permanent address. Nakaraang 2022, dito na ako bumalik sa Pasig. Andito ako sa Bagong Ilog, yung barangay na katabi ang Pineda. Katabi ko ang ospital kaya may kapag magkaroon man ng hika sa kaka-fire exit stairs (dahil sa lindol o sunog) eh may mabilis na Emergency Care access. Unless, may dalawang libo katao ang makiki-access. 

Anyways, masasabi nilang maswerte itong concrete jungle ko. Mahal, pero isang grab lang papunta sa trabaho ko sa BGC. Isang session ng lakad papuntang Pineda wet market. Isang jeep papuntang SM Megamall. Ang mahirap lang nito, kapag pang-umaga ang work, nakamamatay ang commute. Ito talaga ang labyrinth ng bagtasan. Lahat ng manggagaling sa Tiendesitas o Antipolo papuntang BGC, sa Bagong Ilog dadaan. Kapag galing ka naman ng Pinagbuhatan at pupuntang Ortigas, sa Bagong Ilog na rin dadaan. Kapag namulat ako ng 7 AM sa tingkad ng sunrise showcase sa balcony ng maliit kong bahay, makikita ko ang C5 bridge na nagmistulang ilog ng mga mababagal na sasakyan at walang tumal na ingay ng busina. Yan na rin ang Vitamin D dosage ko sa araw-araw: ang pagtanaw sa daanan at trapik, kasabay ng pagdidilig at pakikipagdaldalan ko sa basil, thymes at mga Snake plant na biyaya ni Mama. 

Tapos babalik-tulog ulit. Aba, ano pa bang magagawa kung tuwing 4PM naman ang simula ng work? Sayang skincare para lang magpuyat. I always need a nap. 

Alam mo bang naging childhood address ko ang Pineda? Wala na akong maalalang mga ginawa ko noong kabataan ko, pero ang kwento ni Mama about Pineda ay yung nagkasya ako sa ilalim ng traysikel noong 3 years old. Nang ako raw ay naglalaro sa labas, at sumusunod kay Kuya na may mga kalaro nang hapon na yun, biglang may dumaan na traysikel, at imbis na ako'y mabangga, eh yumuko ako at nagkasya sa ilalim. Na ikinagulat ng traysikel drayber. Akala siguro's nakapatay ng bata. Pero paglampas nya, ngumiti pa ako sa kanya. Aba, ang amazing ay. Hindi ko naman maalala yun. Kahit yung mga kwentong palo sa pwet at sinturon blues ni Mama. Naalala raw yun ni kuya, pero hindi malinaw ang memorya niya. Hindi na rin nya maalala ang Pineda Nursery School kung saan siya nag-Kinder. Ang naaalala nya ay ang pagtawid namin sa Ilog Pasig mula Pineda papuntang Zero Block kung saan sasakay ng Jeep papuntang Pembo, patungo sa aming magiging family home noong dekada 90. 

Nahihiya akong magtanong-tanong kung meron pa bang bangka mula sa Pasig papuntang West Rembo (kung nasaan ang Zero Block). Nang minsang dumaan ang sinasakyan kong grab sa mahabang Mrr Street at Sta. Teresa de Avila Street, wala na akong makitang terminal ng bangka, o mga lumalangoy na bata sa ilog. Wala na ring namamangka. Dahil ba alas-tres ng hapon ako napadaan run? Katirikan ng araw, perfect time ng siesta, at wala masyadong commuter na midshift sa loob ng barangay Pineda. Baka kada umaga lang ang biyahe? Ito yung mga naiisip ko habang inaatake ng nostalgia sa nakaraang bungi-bungi na sa personal kong alaala. Siguro, napatay na nang tuluyan ang industriya dahil may Kalayaan bridge na patawid ng Uptown. Substitute tulay ng mga taong yamot na sa malawak na C5 bridge. 

In fairness naman sa C5, ibang administrasyon kasi ang gumawa nito, panahong may pake pa sa mga naglalakad at walang pambili ng kotseng ipapang-trapik rin lang. Sa Kalayaan bridge, nakakairita ang kitid ng daan ng mga tao. Bawat hike dun ay may kalakip dapat na dasal na sana hindi madulas ang mga sasakyan at biglang lumiko sa nilalakaran mo. Ganyan ang urban planning ng isang engineer na walang pake. Siguro tingin sa tao (ng mga gumawa ng Kalayaan bridge) ay mga squammy ng Pasig at hindi deserve na magkaroon ng trabaho sa "relatively safest business district of the country". 

Isa na ako sa mga naglalakad papuntang opisina, lalo na kapag sobrang namamahalan sa grab. Wala pang 30 mins na upo sa tsikot na may aircon pero lalagas na ng halos 200. OA na nga ang pamasahe, kaya nagkukunyari din akong tindera o construction worker na tatawid sa Pasig Boulevard mula sa condo, at ilalakad ang C5 bridge. Minsan, partnered ng Gym playlist sa spotify, pero madalas, mga pipip ng sasakyan. Nakakatuwa ring may nakakasabay ako sa paglalakad, at nari-realize kong hangga't may construction worker ay may thriving na underground economy. Makakamura ng pares at mami sa mismong c5 bridge, at tuwing alas-kwatro eh nagbubukasan na ang parang pitstop ng mga truck driver at ng mga rider. Nakakawili ang kulay ng mga suot ng mga nagmo-motor: Madalas blue at green, pero may orange at may dilaw ring minsanan. May red na rin, tapos kamakailan eh may biglang violet na. Hindi naman sikat yung kulay ube sa Pasig-BGC area, kaya ang cool lang. Parang trying hard hipster sa pop culture. Pero sa huli, jejemon rin pala hehe.

Ang nakakatuwa sa paglalakad sessions ko ay naitatawid ko ang 10,000 steps na magiging exercise quota ko for today. Mahilig ako magbasa, hindi ako mahilig mag-gym. Baka ibang Betos ang nasa isip mo na mahilig sa gym. Nasa Japan na yun sya, kahit paano raw ay okay naman siya dun. Alam rin niya at ng mga kapatid ko na naglalakad ako sa C5 bridge kapag papasok ng work. Wala naman silang alma, puru paalala lang ng "Ingat!" at minsanang "Dumaan ka kasi sa bangka dun sa Pineda!" Kaya lang, nang madulas ang bunso at naikwento sa mga magulang ko ang aking daily adventure, nasagot na lang nila na "Either mamatay ka sa pasahe ng grab, o mapatay ka't mabangga sa daan. Either suffer the fare or go to a country with an effective public transport." Ang burgis ng take, di ba? Dalawang elemento agad ng kaburgisan: ang maglagas ng sweldo sa grab car, o tumakas sa Labyrinth ng Bagtasan (at mag-abroad). Siguro, nakita nila ito kay Kuya na nasa Germany na, at kay Kiteh na nasa Japan na. Mga bansang may matinong bus at tren, at mahal ang bumili ng kotse kasi OA ang presyuhan para lang sa parking. Axis powers unite na rin siguro, kasi parehong pro-pedestrian ang mandato ng gobyerno nila. They move the public efficiently. Unlike sa Pinas, Presidente lang ang moving effectively. Helicopter-helicopter para lang sa Coldplay concert na nagtutulak ng environmental kineso. 

Sobrang balintunay talaga minsan ng buhay. Gusto ko na ring takasan, punta ng Singapura siguro. Makaranas man lang ng mabilisang byahe at mag-TWG tea kasi gusto ko lang rin mag-inarte. Tamang burgisan blues lang naman, bago bumalik sa mala-purgatoryong paglalakad sa Labyrinth ng Bagtasan sa araw-araw (o hapon-hapon, kasi midshift ako).

So ikaw, kumusta?

Four Years

Happy four years, dok. 

It has been four years since we first met. Ito yung mga panahong nanood tayo ng Aladdin, at nagvideoke sa Centerstage kahit isa't kalahating oras lang ang nai-enjoy.

Andami mong sinabi noon, mga pangakong nariyan ka lang. Magkukwento, makikinig. Pero lumipas ang apat na taon, nagkasakitan na tayo, at ngayon, parang convenient fuck lang ang lahat.

Sabi mo may nararamdaman ka pa sa akin. Poot kaya ang nararamdaman mo sa akin? Mas gusto mo kasing hindi magkwento kasi nasaktan na kita, takot kang masaktan ulit. 

Pero ano ang aasahan ko sa one-way communication? Ni kwento mo nga ngayong araw eh wala akong alam.

Kumusta ako? Ito, nagpapaka-fleabag. 

Remember the SG guy? We recently talked again. Last night. Gave me an advice to keep the drive. Naikwento ko kasi na pagod na ako, pero masigasig pa rin ako sa pag-aayos ng condo, kasi gusto ko by July 1, ready na lahat.

Sinasabi ko sa iyo ito kasi ito ang kulang na kulang sa iyo, ang makipag-usap. Hindi dahilan ang ka-busyhan mo sa pagdo-doktor dahil parang hindi mo nirespeto ang katulad mong may titulo at pinanghahawakang propesyon. Mas naiisip kong wala akong halaga sa iyo, lalo na at kapag tinatamaan ako ng kawalang-kumpyansa sa mga bagay.

May nararamdaman pa ba ako sa iyo? Meron man, pero pagkauhaw. Uhaw na uhaw sa presensiya mo. Sa hawak mo, sa boses mo, sa pagtitig mo.

Itutuloy ko pa ba itong pakikipaglandian sa iyo? Hindi ko rin alam, wala kasi akong napapala ngayong taon eh. Siguro sex. Sex lang? Siguro. Hindi ko alam. Siguro mga danas ng iyong pakikipagkita, pero mas marami ang danas ng iyong pagkawala. Hindi ko nga alam kung totoong busy ka eh, paano, wala kang sinasabi. Susubukan mo pa rin ba yung isang buwan na hindi ako kausapin? Eh para saan pa at nakipagkita ka sa akin?

Kailan ka lalabas sa kuweba mo, at kailan mo itatapat sa akin yang sakit na nararamdaman mo? Kung kelan mamamatay ka? Inuulit ko ha, hindi ko alam kung nasaan ka kung mamatay ka. Wala akong balita sa iyo, at wala akong kakilala na malapit mo sa buhay. Kaya kahit anong galit man yan na tungkol saken, itapat mo na. Tapos, ikaw na magtapos nito. Sinubukan kong tapusin, pero hinahanap ka ng katawan ko. 

Mas mabuti siguro na ikaw na ang tumapos. At least alam ko na sa dulo ng lahat ng ito, may closure. Baka nga closure lang talaga ang hanap ko sa iyo, at hindi ang pagbabalik sa kalbaryo.

I don't know if it's still right to say I love you but I do, 

Ella.

Dear M

 Dear M—,

Naalala mo pa noong college, patay na patay ako sa iyo? Nag-confess ako sa iyo Friday night, tapos nag-break na tayo Monday night, sa may catwalk habang naulan nang malakas at maghihintay ito tumila, kasama ng mga tsismosa nating kabarkada? Sa sobrang lungkot ko, naisip ko bumili ng notebook, at magpalitan tayo ng mga liham sa isa't-isa, ipapahiram ito bawat gabi, at itinatala ang mga ginawa nating pag-aaral sa maghapon? Hindi ko naisip that it would be my writing style; ang naisip ko noon, gusto kitang makilala, kasama ng pagkilala ko sa mga riles ng PNR bilang main transport natin kapag sabay tayong uuwi after class. Kapag may pagkakataon akong sumabay sa iyo pauwi south-bound, isusugal ko ang oras ng commute at ng mahabang pasensya ng paghihintay sa second to the last trip to San Pedro, kung saan standing sa tren at kakarag-karag, mala-Home Along da Riles circa 2004.

Naalala lang kita nang magawi kami rito sa Albay at nakita ang mga riles na nababalot na ng carabao grass, o natatabunan ng aspalto sa National Road para sa sasakyan, at naisip kong sobrang bonak talaga ng mass transit sa Pinas. Hindi mo mae-enjoy ang magkakawatak at magkakalayong rancho at tourist spot ng Bicol region kung wala kang kotse. Malayong-malayo sa Japan kung saan bawat tourist spot eh may train station sa tabi.

Naisip rin kita nang makilala ko si J—. Galing rin sya sa school natin, pero team-dorm sya, hindi team-riles. Puru siya aral, at never nakasakay ng PNR, kaya ibang-iba ang kwentong promdi niya sa mabangis na lungsod. Nasa bansa na rin sya ng may effective bus transit at hyperinflated car prices kasi maliit ang lupain ng mala-NY na ASEAN nation. 'Kako sa kanya, ninais ko rin sumulat ng kwentong paglalakbay at pagkakaugnay — sa pamamagitan ng paggamit ng tren. Naalala ko na sinubukan ko yun noong college. Sinubukan ko sa iyo noon.

Parang tayong tren: mga riles ang nagdudugtong sa atin mula sa malalayo, riles din ang mahihiwalay sa atin kapag nasa gitna ito ng tawiran. It bridges the far distances to a close, and yet, we break away if we're too close. Gusto ko ring isulat ang kabalintunaan ng riles, katulad ng kalakhang maynila na napapalibutan ng balintunay: sa bawat barangay may solo-living sa mataas na condo na kapitbahay na class C at D na bahay na bato at lulan ang isang angkan. Parang tayo, na kahit anong pilit kong lumapit sa iyo noon, kapag hindi uukol, hindi bubukol. Ngayon tuloy, hirap kang igapang ang ipon mo sa mamahaling bilihin ng diaper at isasabay mo pa sa iyong hinuhulugang motor.

But that's another matter of irony. Hindi babagay sa balak kong isulat.

Na-enjoy ko ang Bicol, M. Kaya lang nalungkot ako kasi sa pag-enjoy ko, kailangan pa ng kaibigan kong humanap ng rent-a-car at puntahan ang mga lugar na may magandang view ng Mayon, at pwedeng picture-an pang-instagram. Kung hindi mo nalalaman, ang lakas ko maka-jeje sa social media. Gusto ko parati akong may picture sa travel ko, lalo na ngayong hindi ako masyado nakakapag-travel na. Kaya siguro hirap din sa pagsusulat, dahil hindi na masyado nakakapaglakbay. Adulting is so hard, I am faced with the challenges of purchasing furnitures and fixtures, that I sometimes losing contact with friends, and even losing sleep. Puru labas ang pera, pero para sa investment naman daw ang sabi nila. Parang sugal, para sa maalwal na pamumuhay.

Sana ganun din ang ating gobyerno, marunong sumugal para sa maalwal na pamumuhay ng mga tao. Kahit man lang sa mga bus na on-time, o sa mga LRT at MRT na dumarating na every two minutes sana. Pinakamaganda, ibalik nila ang long-distance rail transit mula Tayuman hanggang Bicol. Hindi yung puru San Pedro. Iabot na nila hanggang dito sa Albay. Better yet, get it done until Sorsogon. Para wala na akong dahilan bakit hindi ako makatawid ng Leyte. Ang probinsya ng tatay kong aning-aning na at hindi man lang death-ready ngayong matindi na ang sakit niya. Hay, nalulungkot ako na ang Pilipinas ay katulad ng tatay ko: lakas mangutang ng pera, pero hindi man lang maglaan sa kinabukasan. Hipak pa ng bisyo.

Sa pamamagitan ng kotseng hiram ay nakarating ako sa Green Hills ng Quitinday. Hindi ito shopping center oi, literal na berdeng burol na may kubo at matatanaw ang perfect cone kapag naiakyat mo ang lampas 100 steps assault. Eka nila, isang Congressman na raw ang bumili nito. Revoked ang ancestral domain. Wala man lang malasakit. Paano na kapag nagkaroon ng 100% ownership sa saligang batas? Hindi ako against sa ganung economic policy, pero kung hindi epektibo ang Tax Code nating circa 1977, paano natin masisingil ang mga panginoong maylupa, di ba? Hindi nga rin effective ang AMLA natin kasi andami paring naglalaba ng pera sa mga casino eh. Laba-pera habang nanonood ng Broadway. Ganun ang burgis way. Sometimes, free check-in for a patron. Oha, maging permanent resident ka lang ng sugalan para tuluy-tuloy ang money integrating. Hindi ko lang alam kung alam mo pa ang ibig kong sabihin; hindi ka na accountant, di ba? Nasa call center ka ng payables-receivables, kung saan mas nakaka-relate ka kung paano magsesettle ng mga credit card bills ng misis mo, kaka-hoard ng mga baby supplies sa Lazada kada buwan.

Sa dami ng gusto kong isulat kapag ako ay naglalakbay, hindi ko na maipili ano ang uunahin ko. Katulad ng paggamit ko sa notebook natin, parang dumpster lang ng mga iniisip ko ang notes app dito sa phone. Mas maganda ang tech ngayon, all of these are stored in a cloud. Hindi katulad ng notebook natin na nawawala na nang makita ni mama ito at itinambak sa kung saan, tapos ayun, Ondoy happened.

I just wanted to write about travel and connections and yet here we are: me trying again to connect to you via this epistolary exposition and you not knowing where I was and what I am doing. Kaya heto ako, nakahigang nagta-type habang tanaw ang mahiyaing Mayon.

So. Kumusta? 

Mga Sulating Di Pormal na ang Diaspora muna ang Nakakaalam

2022 flew like a haze. When we met last April, everything seemed confusing. In the middle of a passionate movement, our passion for each other dwindled down. He recently passed the Internal Medicine licensure exam and decided to specialize in Neurology. But after two months of having a 36-hour duty in East Ave Medical center, he changed.

It triggered his depression. He hears his thoughts too loud, found himself hard to sleep, let alone rest. A voice saying that he should give up on life. "Buti na lang hindi ako humantong sa self-harm" 

He said he's guilty of our situation not progressing much since the start of Pandemic. He's worried that he is not attaining the "provider status" he longed in his younger years.

Then nag-disappear for two months. He resurfaced after me non-stop bugging him, having anxieties of our future together and the what-ifs, lalo na nang masabi ko na gusto kong sumubok ng OFW experience. Diaspora trope, just like the 70s. 

"Do what makes you happy. If you want, you can even meet men; just let me know. Even though it hurts."

Ansakit pa rin, grabe. Ngayong taon, mas marami ang pagkakataon ng pangungulila at yung pakiramdam na wala kang kinakapitan. Walang angkla. Walang kasiguruhan. Kumakapit ka sa pag-asa na baka magsimula siya na umahon sa lugmok ng depresyon, at makita nya na may liwanag sa kabilang dulo. Kahit hindi ako yung dulo. Tanggap ko naman na hindi ako priority. 

Pero habang tumatagal, nasasanay ako sa pag-iisa at nabanggit ko ang inggit sa ibang mga mag-boyfriend na nakakapag-celebrate sila ng anniversary nila.

In our three years, we never had any celebration of sorts. Walang marka ng milestone. Parang walang direksyon. He even blocked me on social media before sa tindi ng selos. Tinanggap ko pa rin yun, kasi malaki ang trust issue niya. 

Pero yung katotohanang parang hindi ako nakikita sa side nya, masakit. Mahirap maging invisible. Mahirap tanggapin na kapag namatay siya, hindi ako makaka-attend ng burol o ng libing niya, kasi walang nakakakilala sa akin — sa side niya. Kung anong kwento ko sa pamilya ko ng aking kasintahan, kabaligtaran ang sa kanya.

Parang akong kabit na ewan. Pero tanggap ko yun, andami ba naman niyang pinagdaanan. Nirespeto ko yung decision niya.

Naiiyak pa rin ako, sorry. Ang sakit ng feeling na ghosted ako. Kaya nung sinulat ko yung break-up letter, sinubukan kong i-send sa email. Kasi hindi niya binabasa yung Line app — yung tanging gamit namin sa pagke-kwentuhan. 

Kaya nang sumagot siya... Hindi ko masikmura. Tinanggap lang niya, hindi man lang ako inilaban. Nakakainis na nakakalungkot kasi pakiramdam ko hindi ako karapat-dapat. I was shaken and affected that even little snide remarks of officemates that I used to ignore, eh nagko-cause ng unhealthy anxiety. Nilubog ko ang sarili ko sa work, pumapalo ng 13hours ang stay ko sa opisina na hindi naman dapat.

Dapat medyo magaan na ang lahat, kasi nagkakaroon ulit ng reset. Na-solidify ang timeline sa sarili. Pero kapag nakikita ko yung mga sinulat ko tungkol sa amin, napapa-ugly cry na lang ako.

Ang masaklap, parang ini-invalidate ng mga magulang ko yung pinagdadaanan ko. "Jowa-jowaan". Ganun. Parang laro. Kasi walang accountability. Hindi ko ba talaga deserve ang makatarungan at mapagpalayang pag-ibig? Breadwinner na lang ba ako forever? Ang bigat pa rin, kahit pinipilit kong i-compartmentalize bawat araw. Ni sa sariling kama sa family home, hindi ko pinapakita yung pag-iyak ko. 

Feeling ko invisible pa rin ako.

Mga Sulating Di Pormal na ang Diaspora lang ang nakakabasa

Ah doctor ba sya? We have this notion na He should know how to overcome depression...

Ngayon ko lang nabalikan ito. Sorry, swamped with work and with compartmentalizing crises in my life. I mean, asa sadgurl phase ako recently that I long for connections in the office. And yet, apektado ako sa mga napupuna nila sa akin na bibo ako and hyper sometimes, especially when overjoyed.

35 na ako pero grabe yung apektado ako ng narinig kong comment from my immediate manager. Tas naisip ko, mahirap ngang makakuha ng authentic friendship sa corporate environment because of competition (na sometimes, hindi healthy).

And honestly hindi ko alam if he can overcome that depression even though he gets medicated. Hay. I just don't know anymore. Baka i-break ko, baka hindi. 

Alam mo yung feeling mo na nasa limbo ka, or nasa crossroads ka pero nakatambay ka lang ng mga tatlong buwan, hindi mo alam saan liliko. I just wanted the waiting to end and let my time start moving.

Sorry, trauma dumping. I shouldn't do this to you. Baka itsismis mo pa ako tapos ma-bash pa sa mga tao hahaha

Although, thanks for hearing me out (or reading this, I guess?) Nakakagaan rin ang isulat ang mga naiisip ko at the moment para mawala ang bigat na nararamdaman ko. Also, it is helpful to share some things with a total stranger. May ibang insight na mapupulot. Or even a presence is enough. Na somehow, visible ako. 

So yeah. Maybe from time to time I might write things here, so heads up na rin sa iyo. Haha

How to Float in the Pacific Ocean

Some side notes — I was trying to locate my Toastmasters Speeches in Facebook Notes from way back 2011 and for some reason, the notes themselves are very elusive. Was the Facebook notes section archived or deactivated? I was not even aware of this shift, really. In the meantime, I shall copy and paste whatever transcript that I can find.

---

Note: This is my Basic Speech Project No. 8 that I delivered in the El Presidente Toastmasters Club. With my encounters in the Pacific Ocean during my "Fieldwork" in Baler, it served as my inspiration to craft the speech and use the Ocean as metaphor to my Division A contest experience.

Since the objectives of this speech project is TO USE THE VISUAL AIDS TO SUPPORT / REINFORCE THE SPEECH, I made one - and it became a source of laughing stock! my gulay. Hindi naman kasi ako marunong mag-drawing, so I made pictures using paint and with help of an officemate. 

For those who are not informed about this club, I joined the Toastmasters club last 04 November 2010 to hone my public speaking skills. I would like to encourage and to invite all of you guys to be a kibitzer to a Toastmasters Club Meeting. Ours is done every first and third Thursday of the month, 7PM at Max's 2nd Floor Liberty Center, Shaw Blvd, Mandaluyong City.

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Summertime of our lives, our lives! (song of A1)

Fellow toastmasters, it’s officially Summer! With the summer breeze, wonderful beach, and inviting sea, let’s satisfy our heart’s delight by enjoying ourselvesalong the shore, sipping summer shakes, and diving in the salty waves. I remember this dress; this is the same beachwear that I wore in my Baler escapade. Baler is at the north eastern part of Luzon, and it faces the Pacific Ocean. The sea, known for its wild waves and tsunami, is the same ocean that challenges the surfers and frightens the swimmers.

Me as a risk taker took the challenge of the sea. I can swim – but I am not a professional swimmer. Not even a surfer. What I can share to you is what I read and understood in ehow.com – my own “reformulated” simple steps on how to float on your back in the Pacific Ocean. These procedures helped me to stay calm and relax on its strong waves. Are you ready? Okay, let’s go floating!

Ella is floating on the Pacific Ocean. Weeeeee~!!!

The first step is to make sure that your chin is pointed to the sky. Tipping your head back positions the body to be buoyant. Next, Lift your chest and stomach up by arching your back slightly, allowing the lower body to rest higher in the water. Then, make sure that your ears are in the water. If the head is lifted, the legs will sink, making floating nearly impossible. Afterwards, lift the arms and rest them on the surface of the water. This changes the swimmer's center of buoyancy and makes floating easier. Finally, gently do a flutter kick with your legs. And now you can float!

Simple, right? Well, some would say it’s simple when you’re floating on a still water in the pool, or in the calm seas of Boracay. But the angry Pacific Ocean that is ready to engulf your being, with its waves pulling you away from the shore and blasted you with a larger-than-life-surfer-friendly push back to the shore – that’s a bit hard.

And that’s what I reflected in Baler – whether I should continue to represent the Area 5 in Humorous Speech Category or not. I was asking to myself if I am up for the challenge…

The moment I wore the medal and won that privilege, the pressure started to sink in. The weight of my “responsibility” to represent the club, the heaviness of the fact that there is a seasoned humorist as a candidate, and the anxiety that I cannot perform well in a larger audience, questioned my determination if I could re-run my speech all over again in the same stage, delivering the same message, and some are the same audience.

Questioning my ability to deliver a story that would make them laugh and impart lessons is like questioning my ability to float in the Pacific Ocean. It’s like, you want to dip your legs on the troubled ocean waves, ready to eat you whole. It’s suicidal!

But after praying and seeking advice from friends, inside and outside Toastmasters, I told myself, why not take the chance? After all, it’s like floating in the back. With my own reformulated steps and a little bit of metaphor, I think I can.

Ella is like floating on the sea of people when she delivered her story

Ladies and Gentlemen, the Pacific Ocean is like the sea of people wanting to hear my story. They are the cause of waves – both harmful and helpful. So, the first step is I made sure that my chin, in this case, is facing the chin of the audience, so that my eyes will be the same level as theirs. The face is the source of the message, and the sea of people needs to see it.

Next is I lifted my chest up, so that they would feel that I am confident to deliver my speech. Then, I made sure that my ears are, in this case, in the audience. I learned to listen well. I heightened my senses so that I will know when to start speaking, when to put humor, and when to end it with a bang.

Afterwards, I let my arms rest. Instead of pressuring the two upper limbs to stay on the sides, I let them join the act. With it, I was fluid in delivering the speech with the body language.

Finally, I did a subtle, but profound kick of urging the audience to listen to my story. And it worked. I was like floating the whole time when I delivered a funny speech, with some punch lines and life lessons to impart with. And yes, it felt good. I was not nervous or fearful or stressed when I shared my piece. Though I did not win, I believe I floated on my back there, notwithstanding the waves ready to engulf me.

So fellow toastmasters, whether we are in the sea full of waves or in a sea of people full of eyes to look at you, as long as you can be at ease, you can float. So, instead on pouting and complaining that the waves are big and ready to eat you whole, why not take the challenge?

---

Evaluation Proper:

It was TM Tin who evaluated my speech. I am glad that she appreciated the organization of the speech, and the way of delivering them. She noted that sometimes, technicalities are sources of embarassment or fear to deliver your speech, but it did not hesistate me to do what I could (she accepted the fact that I am not good at drawing). She noted that next time, if we use visual aids, make sure that the audience will see them, and see the reinforcement it bears.

She pointed out, "It is not the visual aid that would deliver the message, rather, it is the SPEAKER". Actually, many of us (especially students) experience DEATH BY POWERPOINT, wherein the reporter / discussant read the powerpoint slides in VERBATIM, which is NOT THE PROPER THING TO DO. For a tip, the powerpoint slide should be in a 3 X 5 LINER - with three lines, at five words per line the most (read them in the internet, kindly google them, I cannot remember the source, hihihi).

Oh yeah, lesson learned. Andami kong natutunan. And natutunan kong mag-drawing. hihihihi. Two speeches to go and I'll be on graduation!

---

(inputted in facebook notes last 09 April 2011)

Stressing Reality

Some side notes — I was trying to locate my Toastmasters Speeches in Facebook Notes from way back 2011 and for some reason, the notes themselves are very elusive. Was the Facebook notes section archived or deactivated? I was not even aware of this shift, really. In the meantime, I shall copy and paste whatever transcript that I can find.

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I totally forgot to post this at an earlier date. OMG!

I presented the speech in a "Basag-Mode" version of me, even my evaluator was not expecting my delivery. After stress in work, stress in traffic, stress in studies, I wasn't able to focus on practicing them. (I delivered them in an uninspiring-preacher-like-way, with a little-embarassing-comedy-on-the-side). To tell you the truth, I was tormented by my principals (in the office) on that same date that my speech delivery was assigned. And this served as my Basic Speech Project No. 7 (Research Your Topic) for the El Presidente Toastmasters Club.

MALAPIT NANG MATAPOS ANG SPEECH PROJECTS KO - THREE FOR THE ROAD!!! :D HAPPY!!!! :D

For those who are not informed about this club, I joined the Toastmasters club last 04 November 2010 to hone my public speaking skills. I would like to encourage and to invite all of you guys to be a kibitzer to a Toastmasters Club Meeting. Ours is done every first and third Thursday of the month, 7PM at Max's 2nd Floor Liberty Center, Shaw Blvd, Mandaluyong City.

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Fellow Toastmasters and dear friends, YOU SHOULD ADD ME ON FACEBOOK! Because the most recent status was made at 1:48 AM, saying:

Que Barbaridad! Que Horror!

At 2:00 AM this morning, fellow Toastmasters, believe it or not, I haven’t prepared my speech for the night. Actually, what all I have are fragments – key words to craft my write-up and to prep myself up for this celebration. Since our Club President wishes to liven up tonight’s feast, I was pressured to craft a perfect speech to present to you.

Lots of crappy preparations are being saved in my laptop. What kind of topic that would interest this audience? Do I have to tell embarrassing stories? Stories of my childhood...? Stories of my frustrations to crush..?

In the wee hours of night, I’ve looked for topics that would complete this speech. However, I just cannot complete them. For Instance, my laptop has these incomplete documents entitled - My cousin’s nightmare; where voices are; forging weapons; and even Lady Gaga! All of these topics are “shelf items” because these write-ups are incomplete, and maybe, just maybe, I cannot think of ways to end them with a bang.

Fellow Toastmasters, have you experienced this kind of scenario? Whenever a speech date is coming, that is the only time that you would stress yourself to craft a perfect thing to share – and luckily, that thing you made just before the due date is “just perfect”. Maybe because you are convinced enough of the stressing reality – that a due date is coming and would lead you to think and move!

In the famous online encyclopaedia called the Wikipedia, the scenario of inability to write something new can be referred as the writer’s block. “Writer's Block is when you want to write but can't”, according to an American Author Kate Withhelm.

Patricia Huston, MD, MPH, describes writer's block as a "distinctly uncomfortable inability to write," and categorizes the severity of as mild, moderate, and recalcitrant. Mild blockage, Huston believes, is easily resolved by revising expectations, breaking big projects into small ones, and giving oneself positive feedback, among other things. Moderate blockage can be addressed by practicing creative exercises, talking about your work with another supportive writer, or taking a break. In her experience, unmanageable blockage can often be resolved with medical intervention or cognitive restructuring, i.e. therapy. So ladies and gentlemen, this experience can be trivial, temporary, or extreme, that some have been unable to work for years on end, and some have even abandoned their careers!

If you have this kind of “problem”, how do we resolve it? Actually, through my research on the internet, there are lots of writers and experts who have suggested some solutions to this kind of “situation”. Let me mention two.

American author and Smithsonian professor Julia Cameron advocates the practice of morning pages as a remedy to writer's block. Morning pages are 3 handwritten pages of free writing where the purpose is to write without the intention of using the writing for anything. It is a practice that can bring your thoughts to the surface and allow you enter a more creative zone.

And Dr. Robert Boice, a professor emeritus on psychology at Stony Brook University in New York suggests a five-step treatment program. The first is scheduled free writing, which can help a stalled writer gain momentum. The second: contingency planning, which involves setting up schedules and contingencies that force a writer to write at pre-arranged times. Third is to consciously abstain from "maladaptive self-talk," such as telling yourself something will be rejected, while replacing negative statements more positive ones, such as telling yourself how much you enjoy writing. Fourth is establishing a social support group, such as a writing group, that focuses on writing and support. Fifth is to periodically reorder the above to keep these treatments from become habits.

So, fellow toastmasters, the next time that you have this Que Horror scenario, the first thing to remember is not to become discouraged. And remember, there are solutions in solving this kind of problem. Maybe, you need inspiration at the moment, or maybe you need something to eat. As for me, since I end this speech with lots of information, I think I need lots of sleep, because I’ve been awake from 4AM. Goodnight everyone!

---

I'm expecting lots of points that I need to improve on, but the evaluator maybe understood that I wasn't myself when I presented the speech project. The audience was expecting an alive performance, and I just cannot do what they requested me to do. Siguro dahil na-swoosh na lahat ng sigla ko noong araw na iyon, walang natira for the dinner time. I ate lots of foodie in that place, my bill reached Php348! @_@

But I have to change my perspective, I need to practice, and I need to put my heart on my Speech Projects. This is for me rin naman. AT HINDI DAPAT AKO PADADALA SA STRESS!!! :D

Oh yeah, the bonus - I WAS SURPRISED THAT I WAS ABLE TO TALK WITH SIR ED FABONAN,
and asked some points on being a CHAMPION in humorous speech category. :)

---

(inputted in facebook notes last 03 April 2011)

Is this okay for Speech 101?

Some side notes — I was trying to locate my Toastmasters Speeches in Facebook Notes from way back 2011 and for some reason, the notes themselves are very elusive. Was the Facebook notes section archived or deactivated? I was not even aware of this shift, really. In the meantime, I shall copy and paste whatever transcript that I can find.

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Jester. Free-writer. Whistler. Dreamer. These are the four adjectives that could describe a commediene, a storyteller, a singer and a kid. Four personas in one - and that is Ella's persona. 

Ladies and Gentlemen, as Demi Lovato sings it, this is real, this is me... I would like you to give a glimpse of who Ella is. 

A descendant of a chinese race, mixed with a race of a pure Boholano that migrated to Leyte and then to Manila, a name Maria Ella was born in Pasay City. The name was of a wondrous history, a biblical first name, and a romantic yet ironic second name - which came from the first love of her father.

She grew up in Makati, a privileged town, which she claims as her province since time immemorial. She was fortunate enough to experience an affordable education - tuition, as well as books and school supplies were free. She finishes her elementary and secondary education here, and decided to take the Certified Public Accountant race through enrolling the rigorous BS Accountancy course at the Polytechnic University of the Philippines. Fortunate events came, after receiving the CPA certificate no. 125082, she decided to be a public servant - a Financial Analyst in the Department of Finance.

A natural comic, she loves to tell stories with a sense of humor, never tires herself from laughing, and never stops talking and telling jokes. She's a crowd pleaser, although some of her jests are not a humor anymore, leading to a pinch of sarcasm in few. She always has her gaga moments, both consciously crafted and unconsciously created. Humor, as if defines, brings laughter to the one you're giving it to. 

She spends her free time on social networks, updating with her friends in the world wide web. She loves free-writing and online blogging, creating literary pieces. She also loves to comment on topics relating to public finance, economics and governance - since she was applying what she is learning and what she would like to learn on those aspects.

She loves to sing, as much as she wants to, whenever and wherever she was. She would not contain her thirst for singing as she claims it, and for every opportunity that music is giving her - she would love to take it, challenging the notes - beaming the souls of the sounds at the top of her lungs. She has seen in different places singing with confidence, and she doesn't care whatever the world tell her - she would no stop even the world tells her to.

A wild dreamer, she keeps on believing that teaching is her calling. She perceived that once she attained what she is tasked to do, the fate will do everything to challenge her to this race, pursuing the change in every student she will be teaching thereto. She believed that it is in the teaching profession that you would not only share what you learned in books, but also what you learned through life as a whole. She would like to entice the students to aspire and inspire. She would dream of a Utopian sort - a nation without corruption, dirty politics, crimes and other societal cancers - and she is willing to be one of the tools to attain it.

She will be a catalyst of change.

[Hi Toastmasters, I want to be a kibitzer for your forums first, I want to see how your "club" works, and please allow me to simmer the moments of being an observant to your group, while being cognizant to your activities for the members. Pwede po bang makita ko muna kayo in action?]

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(inputted in facebook notes last 15th October 2010)

My Athlete's Foot

Some side notes — I was trying to locate my Toastmasters Speeches in Facebook Notes from way back 2011 and for some reason, the notes themselves are very elusive. Was the Facebook notes section archived or deactivated? I was not even aware of this shift, really. In the meantime, I shall copy and paste whatever transcript that I can find.

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This is my Basic Speech Project 5 for the El Presidente Toastmasters Club and my contest piece for the Division A contest (representing Area 5). I wasn't able to bring home the bacon, but at least (being a novice in this field) I enjoyed sharing the stage with the champions. The experience was exhilarating. The competition was stiff. The improvement was drastic (even Mama was surprised).

Hindi ako kinabahan when I delivered my speech. I just told myself - don't be intimidated, in the first place - you have your own story to tell - and to make them see the humor is an added bonus!

Ako si 
Ella, at ito ang aking kwento. Enjoy. 😀
--

Day in, day out – I still love my athlete’s foot. Eeew, right?!

Do you know why I love my Athlete’s foot?

Mister contest chair, Ladies and gentlemen - It all started one night. With bright stars in the sky, gentle breeze in the air, and! Lots of hunks along the street – it inspired me to do night jogging. And let me recommend – jog in the places where there are lots of hunk and babes, so that you will be stirred to get fit, and shop for the perfect mate!

I discovered this chance when I was jogging in the Fort Bonifacio High Street. Wow! So many hunks! My mind couldn’t focus on whom to look at first. Nevertheless, there was one particular Eduardo (the first name of a contestant in the same speech category) who approached me and said, “Hey”.

I replied, “Hi.” (whisper: Hi handsome!)

He asked, “May I join you in your jogging?”

“Sure.” (whisper OMG three times)

After a few minutes of jogging beside me, he asked, “Are you here with friends?”

“No. How about you? Are you here alone?”

“Yes I am. I have a condo over there. Would you like to see it?”

“Uh? Come again?”

He repeated, “Would you like to go over to my place?”

(Shriek for kilig)

“Of course!” (whisper for the record, I’m still a SSSB: Status Single Since Birth)

“Wait, let me adjust my shoes and socks, I need to air my athlete’s foot.”

Hearing that statement, he ran as fast as he could, away from me.

“Hey!” I called out, “I meant my foot as an athlete! NOT THE DISEASE!”

I felt bad. I got picked up at that moment. I could have a lovelife!

But, I also felt good. I didn’t know. I just sweat sexily...

The same discovery was made when I was jogging on a particular Sunday, on the same place and another guy approached me. This one is a bit old, but he’s tall and very handsome – like a GREEK GOD. We hit it off nicely and after jogging, we went shoe shopping for his athlete’s foot. There was a store called RUNNR with lots of you know (long pause) running shoes, and he would like to buy one.

During his test run, (Beeped like the 3310); I got a text message. As I was reading my message, this guy stared at it for a long time, surprise in his face. I asked quickly, “WHAT?” He said, “Nothing, I’m very impressed (long pause) with your cell phone.” (PAUSE)

“It’s very (LONG PAUSE) antique.”

HMP! (angry face) I ran off after we shopped, AND I NEVER SAW HIM AGAIN. (PAUSE)

Not that I care, A OLD, GREEK-GOD-LIKE, LOOKING DOWN ON MY JURASSIC CELL PHONE, HELLO! Isn’t he one?

Anyhow, with all the encounters of meeting my potential mate, I learn to love these feet. I learn to love jogging across the streets, and how these (show foot) seem to have a mind of its own, even this (touch forehead) mind does not. I love it when I project myself as a health-conscious girl determined to get fit.

And I love how my body projects as Pamela Anderson on the Baywatch! Ooh! (running across the stage) I am the sexy lifeguard in the Baywatch series (hand showing boobs).

With all these blessings from my athlete’s foot, I told myself, why not continue jogging? Why not continue to get fit from this? After all, we can say it’s officially summer; and I am determined to reach the 24 waistline – and complement the wonderful views of the beach, rather than to wreck it. I remember when I was younger; I posed in the shores of Batangas wearing my ultimate swimsuit. And when I saw the picture, Aahhh…perfect (wonderful sigh).

But two weeks ago when I saw myself in the shores of Baler wearing a tankini – AHH! (Shriek) OH MY GOSH! tsk tsk tsk…

I need to be sexy! Hmp, for your information, when I was in high school, I have the 24 waistline; I was in ultra-shape. But yesterday night, I heard my mom said,

“Anak, why don’t you run more to get yourself in shape?”

“Mom, I am in shape. Round is a shape? Isn’t it?”

I swore that I will improve, seeing my mom’s waist at 24. Seeing her bust size of 28, and I promised this frontal asset that I CAN DO BETTER.

That is why, I JOG!

And I urge to do the same. Discovery the views. Explore the hunks. Love - your athlete’s foot.

Ladies and gentlemen, as we see life, it’s like a long street to jog. With focus to your goal, with faith to your ability, and with fervor to your feet, I believe you will attain the ultra-shape. It doesn't matter whether you come in first, in the middle of the track, or last. Once you reached that finish line, AAAHH!!! (shout) “I did it”.

Just don’t forget, love your athlete’s foot; because with bright stars in the sky, gentle breeze in the air, and Hunks along the street, love life is just around the corner. Mister Contest Chair!

--

(inputted in Facebook at 03 April 2011. A video was included as my piece in the District A Competition in Toastmasters)

SSSB (for the record, it's Triple S - B)

Some side notes — I was trying to locate my Toastmasters Speeches in Facebook Notes from way back 2011 and for some reason, the notes themselves are very elusive. Was the Facebook notes section archived or deactivated? I was not even aware of this shift, really. In the meantime, I shall copy and paste whatever transcript that I can find.

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Note: This is my Basic Speech Project 4 for the BUTTER N' TOAST TOASTMASTERS CLUB. Thanks for the hospitality and allowing me to be your Guest Speaker (aka Training Ground for my Club Contest). It was a privilege to meet the TM of the PM - Sir Ed Ebreo, ACS (who maybe was a bit angry because I've got more HA-HAs than the host himself! hehehehe), Sir, saludo ako at nakilala kita (sa blogsite kasi ko first nakita ang name mo). I am glad also to be "screened" by a Seasoned Toastmaster, DTM Pat Pascua. Thanks for the reinforcements - and don't forget - I'll be seeing you in the DISCON! (SELF-DECLARATION)

Oh yeah!!! Nakita ko run yung friend sa review school na si JM Guevarra! JM, join the association of the Public Speakers! Paramihin natin ang mga CPAs by Profession sa ganitong field! :) Magsama ka pa dali!! :)

The Butter N' Toast TMC conduct their meetings every 2nd and 4th Thursday Nights at the Makati Stock Exchange, Penthouse level, Activity Room A. I would encourage you to at least see the sights on how they conduct their events. 

For those who are not informed about this club, I joined the Toastmasters club last 04 November 2010 to hone my public speaking skills. I would like to encourage and to invite all of you guys to be a kibitzer to a Toastmasters Club Meeting. Ours (El Presidente) is done every first and third Thursday of the month, 7PM at Max's 2nd Floor Liberty Center, Shaw Blvd, Mandaluyong City.

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Good evening, fellow toastmasters. 

Let me give you a itsy-bitsy information that would either make or break you: 27 days has passed since New Year’s Eve; 7 days before Chinese New Year (mouths Keung Hee Huang Chai) – and 18 days to go before Valentine’s Day! Weeh! (ironic tone of excitement)

If you are single, then Valentine's Day may not be your favorite time of the year. Seeing couples, young and old, celebrating their love for each other can make you a bit envious. At my age, some of my friends are just starting to look for their respective dates for the V-Day; some are starting to look for their soul mate for life. Some are thinking of settling down while some are just starting to bring the house down.

(Audience did not laugh, dead air for three seconds)

Oh, the jokes on me then! (ad lib)

(Audience laughed)

As for me, I am still a SSSB. What’s a SSSB? It’s

STATUS: SINGLE SINCE BIRTH!

Any other brave soul who belongs to this club? Come on, don’t be shy!

(If someone raises, congratulate; if none, say, OH SAD! The joke is on me then)

Luckily, for the fun of the night, TM Ton and TM Alvin raised their hands, ALTHOUGH EVERYONE knew they are definitely in a relationship!

Given that I am a SSSB, Should I be frantic? Should I panic? Should I feel pressure? Should I feel unsure? Or Should I feel none of the above? If I say “I am as happy as the sunflower smiling to the serene sunshine”, would you believe it? (laughter from the audience) If I say “It’s a nightmarish nightmare gnarling over my weepy heart”, would you second it?

So the million dollar question now is how should a SSSB handle the situation? Let me share a secret with you! This secret would not only be the answer to your questions, but will also help you get through the day when all you can see are pink and red! This secret would change your SSSB life forever. This is a powerful tool that would make you see things in a different light. And it will only cost you five words! Listen closely:

IT’S ALL IN YOUR HEAD!

(Audience, in their faces said "WHAT?")

I just told you, Ladies and Gentlemen – It’s all in your head!

It’s all in your thoughts.

It’s all about the way you think and the way you see things.

It’s all about perspective.

Whenever you start internalizing, it is slowly going to the visualizing stage, and then you go actualizing it.

Last week, I attended as a guest in a Table Topics Contest. Yeah, I felt the blood racing and heart pumping hype during the program, but that’s another matter. What struck me is the table topic itself –

“Our language reveal our thoughts; our action reflect our character; our habits predict the future.”

So you might now be asking, “What does have to do with Valentine’s Day or the membership in the SSSB Club?” Can’t you see? There’s a catharsis: IT’S ALL IN YOUR HEAD! It’s all about you and it depends a whole lot on you! Now, let’s apply this cathartic understanding: Sir JM, throw me a question, if I feel the pressure of having no date in the coming valentines. Come on, don’t be shy! (JM, being the shy type, aids no reply)

Oh, you're shy. How about TM Ton, throw me a question, if I feel the pressure of having no date in the coming valentines.

(Ton, being the jester type, said May I take you to dinner?)

That's another question! So, TM Ed, throw me a question, if I feel the pressure of having no date in the coming valentines. (Ed, being the kind type, said "Do you feel the pressure of having no date on Valentines?")

“No, not really.”

(Dead air for three seconds)

Of course I feel the pressure! But then again, it’s all in the head!

I would rather think that valentines day this is the perfect time to party with friends, do some tugsh-tugsh gimmicks, or do some lalalalala sing-along. Or this is the perfect opportunity to date yourself – let your body go aahhh (relaxing tone) to the wonders of the spa.

Does it sound bitter or better? Again, it’s all in your head.

If you let yourself be overwhelmed with the sudden influx of flowers, balloons, chocolates, and stuffed toys everywhere, then you’ll definitely be bitter, envious, and feel bad about being alone. And if you focus on what you don’t have, a “boyfriend / girlfriend”, then you’ll miss out all the other great things that you have.

So everyone, especially if you have the same situation as I am, have to yet experience relationships, heed this simple tip. If someone asks you – do you feel lonely when you’ve got no date on Valentine’s Day? First, think of all the blessings and opportunities you have received throughout the year. (ad lib, I passed the Board Exam, weeh! I belong to DOF, weeh!! Benefits are being paid, weeh!! First time having credit card, weeh!!! Allowed for Graduate Studies and to Teach, weeh!!!!) Then, think of the things you may enjoy even without a date. Finally, declare,

“No, not really. I've got lots on my plate. I am still savoring it, eating it all, before that dessert comes. And yes, it will be the sweetest dessert of all.”

See? I told you, it’s all in the head.

---

Evaluation Proper:

I thought TM Ton is tasked to do that; but nevertheless, it was DTM Pat who made some notations on my speech. :)

STRONG POINTS:

You "owned" the stage. You feel comfortable with the audience. The title is catchy and attention-getting. Vocal variety, animation, and body language are all present. You have a way of working with words (i.e. "perspective" "bring the house down", "internalizing, visualizing, actualizing", "savoring before the dessert comes") and you used the power of repetition (i.e. "It's all in your head") and alliteration ("sunflower smiling to the serene sunshine").

AREAS TO IMPROVE:

1. Work with pronunciation: Catharsis is pronounced with accent on the second syllable, not on the first. Same as cathartic. Also, information is an abstract noun. put more appropriate prepositions ( i.e. pieces of)

2. Remove the article (i.e. the New Year's eve, the Valentines day, the couple)

3. Next time, do not wear clothes (i.e. jackets) that have side pockets. Hands tend to be placed there, whether intentionally or not, to remove the pressure during the delivery of the speech. (napansin pala niya yun? ako nga hindi ko alam na ganoon na ginagawa ko! hihih)

4. You have an impact to the audience, not to the notes - SO DROP THE NOTES! (I will, I will...)

ENDING AFFIRMATION - GOOD JOB! :)

(inputted 27 January 2011)

The Little Thing (aka The Fairy Tale Lover)

Some side notes — I was trying to locate my Toastmasters Speeches in Facebook Notes from way back 2011 and for some reason, the notes themselves are very elusive. Was the Facebook notes section archived or deactivated? I was not even aware of this shift, really. In the meantime, I shall copy and paste whatever transcript that I can find.


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Here's the deal: These are not the exact words that I rendered in the speech tonight!

Don't expect anything, because I rearrange some statements and concepts. Maybe its the effect when you are nervous. But whatever, this is my contest piece. And this serves as my Basic Speech Project No.6 (Vocal Variety) for the El Presidente Toastmasters Club. Today is the celebration of the Chinese New Year, and today is an auspicious night. Happy! :D I won the second place. (considering that this is my first time to do public speaking). I also happy that some of my classmates in MBA are there to support me, and able to record my contest piece (and this is the first time I see myself in a video! Weird... just weird!) Sayang wala yung ibang mga officemates ko to see me rendering the piece. At least they could have explained why I go out of the office early on Thursdays.

For those who are not informed about this club, I joined the Toastmasters club last 04 November 2010 to hone my public speaking skills. I would like to encourage and to invite all of you guys to be a kibitzer to a Toastmasters Club Meeting. Ours is done every first and third Thursday of the month, 7PM at Max's 2nd Floor Liberty Center, Shaw Blvd, Mandaluyong City.

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Madam Contest Chair, fellow toastmasters, and welcomed guests: I have a confession.

At this age, I am still a poignant fairy-tale lover.

I love it when stories begin with “Once Upon a Time” and end in “Happily Ever After”. I love majestic castles and magnificent sceneries; happy songs and jolly dances. I love the stories of beautiful princesses and charming princes. I love watching them in mushy scenes and hearing their cheesy lines. I love them riding on a noble steed and doing the tiring chase, heart-pumping battles and blood-rushing encounters.

I’m looking forward to each story as it unfolds a wonderful, awesome adventure. Don’t you?

I especially love the scene where…

Ariel, the first time she saw Prince Eric, sang with excitement (♪♫ I don’t know when, I don’t know how, but I know something is starting right now… Out of this sea, wish I could be part of your world ♪♫) And when Belle, at the ball, Mrs. Potts sang (♪♫ Tale as old as time, true as it can be… barely even friends, then somebody bends, unexpectedly ♪♫)

It’s you know… it’s that warm, fuzzy feeling. Don’t deny it; you feel those goose bumps too!

And as you immerse yourself in its story, you would only sigh and say, “Awww, everything is so perfect!” 

And you believe that this is the happy ending.
But then suddenly, something goes wrong.

The witch placed a curse, and thus, a series of unfortunate events happened. A dark secret resurfaces. And then you would hear wistful whimpers and hurtful sobs. And you would hear a wicked, devilish laugh! (Wicked laugh) It overpowers the castles, sceneries and moments, and you would feel that all hope is lost.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, you would feel that everything is impossible, that there’s no way to bring back things the way it should be. And yes, one point in time, in my life, I felt that too.

When I was ten, I dreamed of having a beautiful sister, a princess in the family, gifted with utmost beauty and golden voice. And then she was born! She was perfect! It’s a wish come true. She had the rosy cheeks, a perfect nose, and a pair of charming eyes. Everything was just perfect.

Suddenly, a witch came and gave her a curse.

Three months later, she was diagnosed with sepsis – a poison in the blood; a deadly poison that would kill her at a young age! It’s like the moments when Princess Snow White ate the poisoned apple, and when Princess Aurora pricked her finger in the spindle.

The moment when the antagonist bestowed that blight, everything fell down – everything was lost.

But no, we never gave up. We did not lose hope. We believed that she would be well. And through our prayers and deepest wishes (of course, with the help of the doctors), a miracle happened.

It was like; she wakes from a deep slumber. Today, she is a teenager, aspiring to be the next broadway sensation. She is fit as a fiddle. So, what is the lesson of this story? Let me tell you this: LIFE IS NOT A FAIRY TALE! LIFE IS NOT A FAIRY TALE!

You are not a prince (points to a man), and you are not a princess (points to a woman)! Your do not live in royal castles and in cave of wonders.

Rather, your life is a journey.
You are a traveler over ups and downs.
You are a dreamer.

So the question now is if life is a journey, not a fairy tale, is it possible to transform that journey into a fairy tale? I DECLARE, YES!

Dreams may not always have a happy ending, but you have this powerful thing. The little thing called faith. And this little faith will take you to greater heights, to breaking limits, to defying gravity. So, you’re not a prince, not a princess, but if you have faith – in God and in yourself, you have the ingredients to living happily ever after.

Believe, everyone, Believe! Through believing, you’ll know that everything will fall into right places. That everything is just right.

It’s what Cinderella sings it:

♪♫ No matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep on believing, the dream that you wish will come true… ♪♫


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EVALUATION PROPER:

Improvement on:

1. Reorganizing the speech - One said that parang dalawang beses kang nag-open at nag-close ng speech. It's supposed to happen only ONCE.

2. Pauses and Poses - Whatever you say, it should reflect on the posture, and on facial gestures.

3. Do not question the audience. If you always ask the lesson / morale in your speech, some would dare answer: WALA! It would be better if you urge / challenge them. You can shift the question to match up your expected response.

4. Encourage yourself to practice more, and to let your story be known. It is better if you share lots of your personal experiences in the speech, because these are the plus factors in the "substance" of your speech.


Positive Note:

1. YOU HAVE THE POTENTIAL TO BE A DISTINGUISHED TOASTMASTER! (Nothing and Everything follows! heheh)

BASTA HAPPY AKO TONIGHT! THIS IS A VERY FRUITFUL EVENT! :D

Oh yeah, I'll be seeing you all in the District 75 Convention in the Manila Ocean Park! Looking Forward to it!

(inputted: 04 Feb 2011; contest happened at 03 Feb 2011, 7PM)