bb, bakit?

Maybe it's my hormones talking (since I am in Day x of the heavy flow), but I wanted to lash out at you. We know that way back, we have our topsy-turvy feelings in sync. We feel each other intuitively if we are craving for lusts of each other, and find some keywords — a go signal to fully consume it.

The moment you summoned those words, I was thinking of you for the last three nights, on how you touched me and turned me on... that passionate kiss and skin-to-skin embrace, that act of intercourse, and that pulsating after-sex rhythm between my legs. On how you rested your head on my chest after you climaxed, and how I touched you hair and kiss your forehead, and whispered the words "I love you, bb" to the heavens.

But that night, all I ever did was reply back, "Can't. Marupok tayo pareho but we can't." Then I looked myself in the mirror and I saw myself ugly crying.

Is that how I come to you now? Rather than giving yourself that boundary and self-respect, you have stooped so low and settle to be my fuck-buddy? Is that how things work now, bb? No vision on the self to at least get yourself to therapy before reaching out to me? Or at least send an invite to talk to me properly? Have the closure that we really need? Bakit ganun, bb? Bakit ganito na ang nangyayari sa atin? I was distancing myself from you, working on my best to do self-healing and shadow-working; have loony conversations with a pseudo-therapist; became a cash auditor to a wedding; nearly flirt an asexual gay— twice at that— and yet, I cannot help but think about you and our little moments of togetherness, happy in our little moving bubble.

I was craving for sex, yes, but I am also craving a romance that I do deserve. I also deserve the respect of being a woman who is pursuing her dreams, and trying to wing at adulting. And yet, at this point in time, you just wanted to fuck me? Is that it?

Alam kong bawal ang mang-judge ng mga ganitong set-up sa panahon ng genZ na normal na ang kabaklaan, pagkalakal ng katawan, at mental health, pero bb naman. We aren't genZ at all. Isa kang Gen X. At ako, geriatric millenial. We don't settle for these tropes anymore. Wala na dapat talking stage ulit. Wala na dapat situationshit. We distance ourselves, heal ourselves, build ourselves, BUT SEPARATELY. So that years down the lane and we see ourselves again, baka this time around, we can make the renewed relationship work.

In one of my conversations with the midnight therapist, he asked if I know my boundaries. I said yes, and he asked something to test it out,

"Oks guguluhin ka ng idea na 'to, pero at some point I really wish he could wait for me kapag nawala ako nang matagal just because feel ko magkuweba."

My reply to that was this, "I don't have the tenacity to wait if I feel abandoned. Goodbye, ganern. Kung may respeto ako sa partner ko, mas mataas ang respeto ko sa sarili. Dun at dun ako babalik. Sa pagiging ako. 

At gusto ko, ako ay buo."

Let me be whole again, bb.

Maybe we need to meet to actualize what was in the November 2022 email. Provide ourselves the closure we really seek. Years from now, if you are also whole, perhaps we can meet again. Not as total strangers, or mere fuck buddies, but as exes with lesser baggage of the past and decided to be friends (from the distance).

I always pray for your healing. And I know that loneliness can be overbearing at times, but hold on to the beautiful moments around you. Kaya natin ito. We can be alone but not lonely again. 

Laban lang.