Sigh Prayer

Lord, please guide us and let us walk towards the path of healing. Some days are really unbearable, akala ko expert na ako sa pag-compartmentalize ng mga damdamin at buhay. 

Tila alon talaga minsan ang kalungkutan. Bumubulusok nang hindi mo nalalaman. I have this huge fear of being abandoned again because I inflicted this hurt. Pero para saan kung hindi ko maramdaman ang pagiging malaya sa pag-ibig...?

Natatakot akong lumubog sya sa sulok at ako'y maiwan ulit. Kung alam niya lang na gustung-gusto ko nang maging buo ulit. Maging ako ulit. Pero may mga pagkakataon na ako'y nababasag, at walang tutulong sa akin para pulutin ang mga bubog. Ako lang makakapulot, magkakasugat, at magkakapeklat. Sana lang, ang mga lamat na ito, tuluyan nang maghilom, hindi yung paulit-ulit na mabububog. 

#

To: Dennis (cc: Kim)

Kumusta? 

Minsan, nape-pressure ako kapag ano ang dapat isulat sa araw ng kasal, pero siguro unahin ko muna ito: salamat sa pag-imbita. Sakto, nasa estado na ako ng buhay na wala na masyadong pake kung gaano kalayo ang wedding destination, basta't makasama ako sa espesyal na araw na ito. Gusto mo ba isulat ko pa kung paano tayo naging close sa opisina? Actually, I cannot answer that, because I used to be not close to workmates as I compartmentalize my social life. And I used to separate authentic friendships within and outside the office. Mas "friendly employee" ako kaysa sa "office friend". Iilan lang ang mga nagiging kaibigan ko sa workplace, lalong-lalo na kapag hindi ko ka-transaksyon o ka-relyebo sa workload. Isa pa, si Lyra at Jhana pa lang ang naging amiga ko na naging training buddy and non-work buddy ko over the years. Pwedeng ikaw na ang nasa third place. 

Siguro dahil kalog ka, o kapareho ko ng work ethic, o dahil sa minsanang boy's talk over vape sesh natin, dun ka naglalabas ng sama ng loob at mga nadarama sa loob at labas ng opisina, at naging saksi rin sa kwentong puso ko na medyo komplikado. Baka susi mo sa pagiging friend ko ang pagkakaalam ng kwentong puso ko, katulad ng pagdinig ko sa kwentong puso mo. Tingin ko, sa ganitong pagkakataon ko nakilala si Kim. Noong una, nakikita ko lang sya sa mga daily reporting mo at sa mga instagram stories mo. Millenial dating mindset rin kayo, unang nagkadaupang-palad sa social media. Akala ko sobrang mahiyain lang sya, pero nang makita kong nagiging daily chill pill nya ang jeje kong Instagram stories ay mas lalo ko sya nakikilala bilang kalog at masayahing kasama. Iba ang kinang ng mata nya kapag kasama ang kanyang mga malalapit na amiga, at lalong lalo na kapag kasama ka. 

Masaya rin ako na dumalaw kayo sa bahay kong kulang-kulang pa noon, at handang makinig sa mga naging proyekto ko (lalong-lalo na ang pinagmamalaki kong gypsum wall). Mas natuwa ako nang magbigay si Kim ng mga halaman para may makasama ako sa araw-araw na pag-iisa sa bahay at tumatangke ng gastusin sa bawat pamamalengke at paggamit ng tubig, internet at kuryente. 

Ngayon mo siguro maba-vibe ang samu't-saring sansaglit ng Singularity: lahat ng karanasan ng nakaraan, nararamdaman ng kasalukuyan, at baka-sakali ng kinabukasan. Natutunan ko ito kakapanood ng Kamera Trilogy ni Jerrold Tarog, lalung-lalo na sa pelikulang Sana Dati.  Hindi sa dahil pareho kayo ng kwento ng bida, at hindi dahil kasing gwapo mo ang groom na nahihiya sa SDE, at lalong hindi dahil sa lugar kung saan kayo ikakasal ni Kim. 

Kanang, usa lang akung palihug (wow, bisaya!): be patient and simply surrender everything today. Because today is a sensory overload of sorts. Not everything will be up to the T, and not all SLAs will be at 100%. Also, learn to have the romantic eye on moments that you tend to overlook, and just enjoy the relief after the ordeal. 

That way, you savor the singularity, and you will realize that all those days of hardships and anxiety will be worth it, as you close the old chapter of your respective lives and open a new one — conjugal version na haha! 

Singularity rin ang karanasan naming mga magiging saksi sa inyong pag-iisang dibdib, mula sa aming mga mata (at sa pamamagitan ng mga SDE at camera) na makakaipon ng maliliit na alaala sa kwento ng inyong buhay. Sa tuwing uma-attend ako ng kasal, naalala ko ang naitanong sa akin ni Lyra, "Tayo rin kaya, magkakaroon ng ganoong klaseng pag-ibig?" at sa mga minsanang saglit ng pag-iisa, ako'y naluluha. Minsan dahil sa inggit, minsan dahil sa awa sa sarili, pero parating luha dahil sa ligaya. Kasi sa bawat pag-iisang dibdib ay ang katotohanang lahat tayo ay may pagkakataong magkaroon ng kakampi at kasangga, at hindi araw-araw ng ating buhay ay pagsasanay sa pag-iisa. 

Congratulations and best wishes!!! 

Reminiscent of TSOB and Sabaw Conversations / Crisis Management circa 2022

RT BT: Aftermath

Pag Mabilis Na Umalis Baka Di Naman Talaga Dumating by Rolando B. Tolentino
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

To be honest, I am not familiar with sir RT except for that one post about call for submissions to Daang Bakal way back 2022. Let me digress (and I have mentioned this in our most recent #BookTalakayan), I was too intimidated to submit my personal entries even though I have had drafted (and subsequently trashed) my entry about my younger years in the PNR, and how it has made me aware of the little social reality outside the catwalk and beyond the words of the PUP Hymn. He was one of the editors of that project — that has been now a shelf-item, all because of the lack of material, or maybe because of carcentricities of our cities.

Maybe it was titled as At Iba Pang Kwento because it contained not only some straight-forward short story-telling, but it also included some writing exercises ("Ang Magnanakaw"), or a splash of reflective essay ("Ang Presidente sa Palasyo"). I even imagined a TedxTalk content ("Kwento ng Kapital"), assignments and other guide questions included. When I first read the introduction, it kind of justifies his attempt for this collection. This has more of his personal touch, glimpses of his little realities, and some snippets of his reflections to the social standing and current climate of the middle class. He also went back-to-the-basics; used very structured way of writing a short story in some of the pages. It's vibing very differently from his second collection "Fastfood, Megamall at Iba Pang Kuwento sa Pagsasara ng Ikalawang Milenyum" where he employed an experimental form and used a different language dynamic (I searched and read just now an english version of Fastfood, archived from his personal blog). I confessed to RT that this is my first encounter of him and his work. I asked, "Yung pagbabalik po ba sa tradisyunal na porma ng maikling kwento ay isang regression, o maturity na rin ba yun in a way?" He wasn't taken aback; he didn't even answered condescendingly. Maybe it helped that I introduced myself as a banker and a Corporate slave, with no background of Filipinolohiya / Philippine Studies course. He simply answered, "Lahat ng pagbabalik ay patunay rin ng pag-usbong, ng maturity". It also made me realize that maybe, just maybe, I can go back to the old days of my high school, simply writing whatever I see outside my own circle and young world.

Of all these story collections, what I liked the most is "Tapat sa Uri" as it details the collective realities of a middle class: from being a college student, its subsequent years of being detached from the old barkadahan and forging life separately as a young professional. May inom dito, inom doon, sometimes bardagulan and sometimes hanash of a collective rants of how society works. That story kind of stings to me. It's not hard to veer away from being a Corporate Slave, but it is so damn hard trying to have a hipster vibe and a self-sustaining lifestyle. I stick to the system of the old, the system that works for me. In short, I really cannot get out of this system, I only game around it.

In the #BookTalakayan group chat, I disclosed to the rest of the friends & members that I might feel intimidated or have to do a rain-check of sorts, because I never met him, or haven't seen his personal hanash in facebook since I don't use ground zero much. But when I saw him, I saw myself plotting a personal plan: I have to start grinding this retirement career and focus less on the current. In the next couple of months, I must re-sbumit this essay collection I have kept for years (and passed multiple workshops but only attended one). He displays a demeanor of a middle class professional who created a personal repository of inspiration via the academe. As a previous dean for College of Communication and have had experiences with the UP Film Institute, his personal wealth of material to write never ends; a coming-in-and-out of experiences as stable as monthly rent and GSIS pension. Now he sits as a VP for Public Affairs, a well-deserved and very okay side-gig while grinding the writing. He also reminded me of a new-found-friend I met in Singapura, the same demeanor of a Nueva Ecijanon, with the same inflections of kuan and some manerisms of undressing professionalism while talking to us as a simple writer of life. Having these book discussions made me realize that sometimes we can game around the daily grind. Simply engage, listen, and have fun.

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Epistolary Exposition: Introduction

Dear M—,

Kumusta? 

Huling 1-on-1 moment natin ay yung kababalik ko lang sa Mumbai noong 2016, tumaba dahil sa stress at kaakibat na katotohanang lahat ng pambayad ko sa ibang bayan ay via credit card, kasi lahat ng 500 at 1,000 rupees na hawak ko ay naideklarang worthless ni Modi. Wala akong kapasidad i-withdraw ang sumunod nitong paper bill: ang 2,000 rupees. Pagod na pagod rin ako sa pagtuturo ng simpleng proseso pero mahirap na konsepto ng NAV Operations, at kahit kanino yatang hindi accountant ng bangko ay mahihirapan akong ipaliwanag ito. Ganun yata talaga, may mga bagay na mahirap ring ipaliwanag sa kakaunting saglit at bilang ng mga salita. Ganun yata talaga kapag tagapagtuos. Pitong taon na, M. Nasabi ko rin sa iyo na gusto ko nang tumanda sa pagsusulat at talikdan ang nabuong pagkatao sa natapos nating kurso. Nasabi ko sa iyo noon, na kapag manager na ako, saka ko ito ulit iisipin. 

Ito na yun. 

After a year of being a manager repackaged as an Associate, narito na naman ako at susubok na patayin ang unang pagkatao: ang pagiging CPA. Sakto, malapit na mag-expire ang lisensya at PRC ID ko, at hindi naman nag-practice ng audit sa loob ng sampung taon, at saktong nasa estado ako ng trabahong lahat ay kaya kong hamigin at panindigan. Yun lang, hindi na ako bingi at bulag kapag ako ay nababalya at inaasahan bilang dalawang tao in terms of work load. Baka ito na nga ang taon para gisingin muli ang kislap ng panulat. Ang ikalawang pagkatao na nagsusulat ng karanasan, at maisapubliko ang aking boses na may halong laya at kalkulado. Hiling ko ang mga sumusunod:

1. Maaari ba kitang gawing recipient nitong aking mga liham? Balak kong buuin at bunuin ang sampung liham sa loob ng lampas sampung taon ng pagba-boxing ng aking damdamin, ng aking hinaing, at mga silip ng ating pakikipag-usap sa sariling punto-de-bista? Tandaan, ang pangalan mo ma'y totoo, pero ang copyright ay sa akin nang buong-buo. 

2. Hahalungkatin ang aking alaala mula sa ating nawawalang notebook, at gumawa ng mga kwentong napapanahon, kahit nilipas na ito ng mga taon. All-encompassing but retrospective application. Pero ano pa bang alam natin sa accounting practices kung pareho na tayong hindi praktisado? 

3. Kung ang pagkatao mo ay biglang nanalamin sa ibang tao (sa anumang paraan ng pagkakabuo), nawa'y ibigay mo ang kalayaan sa aking kamay na maisulat ka bilang musa at bilang kontrabida. Kung mamarapatin, ibabaldado ko ang napakakisig mong alisto at tatapyas ng gilas sa iyong pagkatao. In short, your demeanor will be cut short. Who will be the main character? This is what I have to explore. This is why I ask for your concurrence in my long letter. 

Ito na siguro ang introduction ng aking epistolary exposition. So, ano na? 

written in Sarah's after RT's Book Talakayan, 02 March 2024

Gising Kahit Lasing

written in Sarah's, 02 March 2023; hauled from PRPB Trivial matters group chat, for posterity and record-keeping.