Prayers for the Unresolved

I am this close to unblocking him and actually offering him a fuck-buddy-relapse-pseudo-jowa. But then I was thinking of the precious beginnings we have had and the subsequent abandoned moments and the disrespectful antics towards our previous romance. I am not sure if prayers helped to get through with these interludes, but sometimes, ngl, I cry myself to sleep because I do wish that this festering desire to be kissed and touched will go away. 

Please pray for a stronger resolve.

Sometimes I call this as a craving. And I do think this is a valid, yet insatiable need. I don't watch romcoms, no more of the kdramas, not even porn. Just to get out of this system. But even those random taps of my workmates, I shoo them away. Because I might break down of frustration. 

Staying in condo helped. I just open the balcony and hear the white noise of the manic traffic in c5, languishing the motivation to stay awake, and deciding to sleep on the floor even with the Manila heat and the absence of AC in the unit. 

Hours later after I wake up, sometimes it goes away. Oftentimes though, it lingers in the farthest corner of my mind.

Sometimes I think I became unlucky, looking for summer romance of sorts. I mean, what's the meaning of it all — making the first move on bumble. And then they offer to drink beer at the first meeting? What about having actual food and actual coffee or even a glass of water? Are wholesome activities already dead in the field of online dating? That is so sad and frustrating. 

And before getting to the sleight of hand — to address that craving — I still have to put my best foot forward. And yet, men are really intimidated on how I say things, or even tell candidly on the things that matter.

Hays. I do apologize for all these lashing out to you in the wee hours of morn, and I sometimes I tell myself that I was abusing you as a friend. I might need to pay you for being a quasi-therapist. Just because the midnight therapist is away on a holiday. I guess he is tired of me saying all these, too. 

But again, thank you for all the patience and for just reading these messages, even they are going in circles like my thought process on things. 

So. There.

Limewash

 20 April 2023

Dearest K,

Kumusta? After a long month of not communicating with you (in any way, btw), here I was, thinking of you while I was finishing up my DIY Project. I completed my accent wall today! Sure, there were naps and trashtalking and introspections in between, but painting seems to be therapeutic. It kept me grounded and present, always checking that the primer and the limewash paint will not harden; the continuous stirring and the conscious dipping of the brush makes it more of a task handed to be done. The repeated strokes are also meditative and measurable. The activity was predictable. I hope in time, like painting, we were able to meditate whatever happened in our lives in the past days, get the task on hand done, and feel proud of whatever we did. And also, to share it with someone who mattered.

Today, you do matter.

E

Dream Journal on a Good Friday

Napanaginipan ko sya. In another world, Neurologist na sya and legally single. And we were crying because after all those years, love pa namin bawat isa. Matindi yung sugat na iniwan nya ako, and for him naman, yung scar from the fear na kayang-kaya ko sya palitan. And we were riding a yacht where he can mix drinks and serve the guests, and suddenly, may isang onbarded sa barko na may sugat / sakit pero hindi ko alam anong sakit o anong dahilan. Nagpatawag ng mga doctor sa barko, kung hindi raw rumesponde ay babarilin lahat ng pasahero. Tatlo silang doktor na nagprisinta. Pero siya yung pinakamatagal sa loob and pinakamay exposure sa pasyente. Hindi ako mapakali, sumilip ako sa pinto kung nasaan ang pasyente, pero may baril na hawak yung guard sa labas.

Nang matapos yung operation, nagkakatremors sya, tapos niyakap ko na lang, hindi na niya napigilan yung pag-iyak. Sa takot. Tapos naiyak na lang ako, dahil sa takot at awa. Tapos nakatulog kaming nakaupo pero yakap bawat isa, the aftermath of that incident with the patient. Kinabukasan, parang bigla syang nawala sa sarili ulit. May malalim na iniisip. Hindi ko makausap, ganun. So pumunta ako sa yacht at naghanap ng tubig. Uminom muna hahahaha hindi ko alam bakit ang linaw ng eksena ng pag-inom ng tubig. At gumising ako para uminom ng tubig.

Pagbalik-tulog ko, parang dumugtong yung panaginip na nameet ko yung 2 doktor na pinili na mag-opera sa patient. Tinanong ko kung bakit pinakamatagal si ex sa loob, sumagot yung isa, "kelangan nila ng may experience sa trauma". Dun lang ako nagkaroon ng lightbulb moment na trauma doctor sya and hindi neurology ang tinuloy nya, kundi orthology (para sa buto). And dun ko na-realize na hindi na kami ang para sa bawat isa kasi may kailangan nya ng therapy na magmamanage ng trauma niya. 

So nagising na ako tapos nai-type ko ito.