As much as possible, I would jot down all those significant events in this blog, including the field trips, the book reviews, and all other discussions - together with its mundane-ness - of them.
Last Saturday we have had the book discussion of Gilead, together with the celebration of the book club's third year anniversary. Part of the activities was to share our diary entries - events, no matter if highly significant or not - on weekly basis. So for the whole month of April, we are to jot down and share these with our book club buddies.
(I forgot to read the instructions for this activity; it was supposed to be short, and it would fit 1/2 of the letter-sized bond paper. But my entries are too long - almost fit that whole letter size. So I decided to create a blog entry on this.)
Here we go:
The man who unluckily chose my paper for it to read with everyone immediately knew that those are my words due to the context clue SLEEPING QUARTERS. Everyone in the book club knows (via my random tweets) that I even conduct a self-proclaimed pajama party because of its cozy environment with nobody to share it with. Heee.Week 1, 04.03.2013 Tue
After shift, I walked straight to the sleeping quarters, tiresome head brought about by stress of the heavy workload that day. Carrying my stress to sleep about law school and commute to and fro office-school-home, tuition and book and other finances, and dedicated time and discipline to read – I asked myself if I can face law school while juggling with workloads. I cannot resign because I have the advantage of conducive workplace (with free WI-FI; quiet room; study room; and sleeping quarters), and being a part-time student will take years just to complete the degree. Sleeping it off, I dreamed. There was a voice telling me, “Relax. I shall provide you with whatever you need.” After hearing that, I woke up, and heave a heavy sigh and prayed to God that I am grateful of your message. It may not be the dream car (to ease my transport) or a higher pay, or a lighter workload, but at least he told me that He will provide.
Week 2, Thursday, 04.11.2013
If there is an issue that I haven't accepted or outgrown yet, it is the confidence that no one will appreciate me because I am not that physically attractive. There is an officemate who recommended me to a textmate. Gullible enough, I fell to his trap, believing that this random texter will be a new friend. I always hoped for those moments when you just want to tell stories or rant your stress out and he's there to console you. An effective scheme, this officemate bragged his successful plan and me being gullible and too hopeful, I felt victimized by a bad joke. I ran to the quiet room, sighing at everything and read Gilead.
Then the quote from page 52 hit me.
"The little incandescence you see in people when a charm of a thing strikes them."
I can’t help but cried. And I remember mum. She always says that there is beauty in every person, even to me. Yes, I may not be that attractive, she says, but there is a "light in your eyes" that make people come to you. That light, that iridescence, the charm that will never be stolen.
Dear officemate, thanks for this bad juju, I finally have a textmate. We have a common friend that made ways for us to get to know each other. Good friends, we are, sharing snippets of whatever is happening in our residences, our frustrations - and I really hope that we keep in touch for a long term. I wish to tell him my lawschool escapades and to hear his gaming tactics soon. :)
Week 3, Wednesday, 04.17.2013
During work downtime, I went to the quiet room to read some more excerpts of Gilead. I read this excerpt:
“It is one of the best traits of good people that they love where they pity. And this is truer of women than of men.”
And I remember the talk that I used to have with the man who got away. I told him that I love him, but it is not the love that I first felt. And maybe that is one of the reasons why we broke up - maybe he couldn't accept this confession. I am sharing this not because of the bitterness I maybe felt from the short-lived relationship, but because it is for us to enlighten that love just "grew". You learn to understand the person, then you appreciate the person... and as you go along spending your good times together, the feeling just emanated. I believed that the shared experiences that we have had lead me to learn how to love him, regardless of who he is or where he comes from.
I used to have live-tweets of the remembering! Haha, I hope that guy will not be bothered by this bit. A friend of mine told me that one of my therapies of moving on is through letting it all out. So there. Maybe that's why some of my friends know this anecdote before meeting him in person. We haven't met for a long while, and hopefully, we can be good friends (or at least civil in a way), since we both have surpassed the period of bitterness.
Week 4, Thursday, 04.25.2013
How do you define happiness in workplace? And if you haven’t attained it in full, are you ready to compromise? Or are you to walk away?
Last night, I’ve seen friends in the government who are in different offices – sharing stories on how they were happy in the office they belong to. Friends work in different policy institutes, some even in Govt. Financial Institutions. They say that they contributions to the policy papers matter, and they felt fulfilled when they contributions are being considered.
I remembered my days in DOF where my drafts in positions paper got refurnished and submitted to multilateral agencies, even to the legislative department. I felt that I mattered, no matter how little I am. And this feeling was never present in the current workplace. Yes, I handled institutional funds, but I performed as an off-shored unit from US – contributing my expertise to an American Investment Bank.
Maybe, this is the compromise that I have to face and will continue to face as I currently work in the private firm. But instead of sinking in frustration, I chose to look at the positive side – the free sleeping quarters, the okay pay, and the cool work-shift.
People noticed that all of these diary entries are about the workplace! It doesn't mean that I lack social life, it just so happens that I created those entries in my workstation! Drafting them and remembering, then edit these entries at home. Every chance of downtime, I typed them in. And since the guy who unluckily picked my paper did not go through all of these too-long-to-read-entries, I am sharing this with everyone who's willing to read them.
It may not be inspired to create a daily journal of my life (since reading along is time-consuming already), but by creating a blog entry of this may inspire the others. Even you may start your own weekly snippets, until you get used to writing diary entries.
-Ella, matronic reader
PS: congratulations to Mami Louize for moderating the Gilead's F2F discussion and I really appreciated all those questions and digressions (that are composed of more than 500-word limit, HAHA). And of course, in repitition - YAY TFG 3rd year Anniversary~ Thanks Anna for the souvenir postcard -
PPS: Lesson learned: "Thou shall not judge Ella, even with all her moments."