Prayers for the Unresolved

I am this close to unblocking him and actually offering him a fuck-buddy-relapse-pseudo-jowa. But then I was thinking of the precious beginnings we have had and the subsequent abandoned moments and the disrespectful antics towards our previous romance. I am not sure if prayers helped to get through with these interludes, but sometimes, ngl, I cry myself to sleep because I do wish that this festering desire to be kissed and touched will go away. 

Please pray for a stronger resolve.

Sometimes I call this as a craving. And I do think this is a valid, yet insatiable need. I don't watch romcoms, no more of the kdramas, not even porn. Just to get out of this system. But even those random taps of my workmates, I shoo them away. Because I might break down of frustration. 

Staying in condo helped. I just open the balcony and hear the white noise of the manic traffic in c5, languishing the motivation to stay awake, and deciding to sleep on the floor even with the Manila heat and the absence of AC in the unit. 

Hours later after I wake up, sometimes it goes away. Oftentimes though, it lingers in the farthest corner of my mind.

Sometimes I think I became unlucky, looking for summer romance of sorts. I mean, what's the meaning of it all — making the first move on bumble. And then they offer to drink beer at the first meeting? What about having actual food and actual coffee or even a glass of water? Are wholesome activities already dead in the field of online dating? That is so sad and frustrating. 

And before getting to the sleight of hand — to address that craving — I still have to put my best foot forward. And yet, men are really intimidated on how I say things, or even tell candidly on the things that matter.

Hays. I do apologize for all these lashing out to you in the wee hours of morn, and I sometimes I tell myself that I was abusing you as a friend. I might need to pay you for being a quasi-therapist. Just because the midnight therapist is away on a holiday. I guess he is tired of me saying all these, too. 

But again, thank you for all the patience and for just reading these messages, even they are going in circles like my thought process on things. 

So. There.